


learning to believe

by RaineyDay



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Alternate Universe, Desire Demons (Dragon Age), F/M, M/M, Mage Cousland (Dragon Age), Multi, Not in a sexy fun way though, Polyamory, The Horrifying Implications of Seeing Demons in Your Dreams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:20:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22263235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaineyDay/pseuds/RaineyDay
Summary: Mage Cousland has too many desires and too little faith. Zevran and Alistair aim to fix that.
Relationships: Alistair/Zevran Arainai/Female Cousland, Alistair/Zevran Arainai/Female Warden, Alistair/Zevran Arainai/Warden
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10
Collections: Holly Poly 2019





	learning to believe

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lorax](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lorax/gifts).



> hello! This is a gift for lorax for Holly Poly 2019! I love this pairing and was very happy to do something with it. You said you like mage characters and this isn't ? exactly ? that per se, but I got to thinking about how as players we can pretty easily notice when demons are tricking us, but clearly the characters can't and how horrifying that would be in practice. And she is a mage, just not, like, mage origin.

Elissa Cousland took a deep breath, opened her eyes, and found herself facing a monster. She knew that ‘monster’ wasn’t the technically correct term for them, but it was the one she had always used for them.

The monster wore her brother’s face. He smiled at her.

“C’mon, pup,” he said, and she groaned. He knew she only accepted the nickname from Dad anymore. No. No, he didn’t know anything except what he’d stolen from her head.

“You are not my brother,” Elissa said, trying to appear confident, even if her voice nearly shook as she spoke.

“What do you mean, ‘Lissa?” Fergus looked so genuinely hurt by her disbelief, Elissa almost believed him. But the real Fergus had always understood her enough not to be surprised by her attitude here.

“I know you aren’t really Fergus because I want it too much,” Elissa choked out. As she finished, the image of her brother shifted, his appearance became monstrous to match his intentions. Elissa sighed in relief. She’d been right, and she wouldn’t be tricked again tonight.

When she woke up, there were tears in her eyes.

-

She’d been having nightmares far more often since they’d visited the Circle. She let the others believe it was about the overwhelming numbers of demons they’d seen there, and, when _truly_ pressed for details, claimed to be unsettled by the Templar who remained ensnared by a desire demon. It was only half true. But she could hardly tell them that she feared becoming an abomination, now could she?

Only mages could become abominations. And Elissa Cousland wasn’t a mage. She couldn’t be. That was made clear enough very early on in her life. But being a noble gives one a bit of wiggle room on what you might be allowed to be.

She’d been taught from an early age about controlling her magic and fighting back the demons that would come for her. She’d always been particularly prone to attack from desire demons.

She often scoffed at the idea of the desire demon as she’d heard others talk of it. She’d never once seen a desire demon appear to her as a beautiful woman or man. They were always more insidious desires than that.

She had always had her ways of trying to figure out when the good things were real and when they were conjured. You couldn’t feel pain in dreams. Eventually, that hadn’t been good enough; she’d feel pain in the Fade and in the waking world. In dreams, you could not read. That had fallen apart one morning when she’d woken to realize she could remember word for word the last page she’d been reading in her dream.

At the moment, she sometimes felt that she could tell she was dreaming when what she saw was just too good to be believed.

-

She’d never really gotten the appeal of sexual desire demons. She supposed that was why the demons had never come to her in that form. But recently, she’d started to get it. If desire demons came to her looking like Zevran and Alistair, she could almost understand why one would give in.

She felt kind of bad about it- fantasizing about both of them. Zevran wouldn’t care, she was sure, but she thought Alistair might. And it felt wrong not to keep her thoughts on only one man. For all that she’d joked about it before, with Orianna and other friends, she’d always felt that such behavior would just be- unfair. How could she deny either of these wonderful men her full attention and affection? They both deserved better than to be after-thoughts.

-

Zevran kissed her one of the days they spent wandering the forests. They’d been scouting ahead of everyone else; the rogue skills she’d learned from her mother were proving quite useful in this venture. Zevran was all business- well as much ‘all business’ as he ever was- while they scouted, but on their way back, he’d relaxed, and she had too, laughing at his jokes and innuendos in a way she didn’t always feel free to in a larger group.

He’d kissed her then, more softly than she’d have guessed he would have, but she hardly minded. It was passionate in a different way than she’d anticipated, sensual instead of aggressive. She realized, in a blurred, half-formed thought, that it made a lot more sense this way. Zevran was an assassin, someone who killed his targets when they were off-guard. Of course he would know how to be gentle.

She had cupped his face in her hands, delighted to realize that she was ever-so-slightly taller than him. He titled his head up, adjusting to her grip, and she moved one hand back to tangle in his hair.

She decided immediately that she loved his hair, the way it slid between her fingers softly, and she kept on running her hand through it as he carefully nudged her backwards.

She realized a moment too late that he was attempting to get them a bit more support from a tree, because both of them were becoming a little unsteady, but her confusion about his actions resulted in her tripping backwards, yanking him forward by the hair.

“I’m sorry!” She rushed to apologize and untangle her fingers, knowing from playing with little Oren- don’t think about him- knowing that having one’s hair pulled didn’t often feel that great.

“My dear Warden, I don’t mind hair-pulling but I would think you’d want to save that for a more private place,” Zevran spoke. In the split-second it took for Elissa to understand what he meant, he continued. “Although if you wished to proof me wrong about that assumption, I wouldn’t be disappointed.”

Elissa scowled briefly, but more playfully than anything else.

“You know what I meant!” She insisted, a bit of embarrassment sneaking into her voice despite her strong efforts not to let it.

“It would take more than a few pulled threads of hair to really hurt me, but I appreciate the thought,” Zevran said. “You remain incredibly gentle despite what the world has thrown at you. I didn’t know how much I could appreciate that.”

Elissa, utterly thrown by the sweetness of that comment, simply cleared her throat and brushed herself off.

“I think I’ve managed to entirely ruin the mood, and I’m sure the others will be wondering where we are. We ought to head back.”

“As you say,” Zevran nodded, and followed her back to where the rest of their party remained.

-

Alistair gave her a rose. He’d managed to preserve it for a good while now, and Elissa was overwhelmed by the sentiment of it. What he’d said about her was lovely beyond explanation. She had known, in her mind, that she adored him before this, but this gift had caused that knowledge to surge to the forefront of her mind. She nearly kissed him right then and there, and the only thing that stopped her was the knowledge that Zevran didn’t deserve that. For all that they’d claimed no real relationship, he deserved better than to find that what they had was ending by seeing her kiss another man not ten feet away from him.

And it would have to be ended, if she were to pursue a relationship with Alistair. The thought haunted her throughout that night, and she got very little sleep. She needed to make a choice, and she really had no idea how she could do it.

-

Zevran was the one to eventually bring it up. She had been dreading it. The three of them were the only ones in camp at the moment, the others out seeking supplies from the surrounding area and nearby town.

“You know, my dear, it is alright if you wish to seek affection from Alistair. I do not claim to have sole possession- or any kind of possession, truly- over your heart and body.”

“Zevran!” Both she and Alistair hissed at the same moment.

“Do you have to do this right now? Like this?” Alistair asked. “I would be perfectly happy not to talk about this at all.”

“And leave the responsibility of choice on Elissa’s lovely shoulders only? That just seems rude. If the dear woman is to be spending her nights sleepless, I should think it better it be for more pleasant reasons than what they are at the moment.”

“Zevran!” Again in tandem, though this time Elissa laughed where Alistair hissed.

“I appreciate the sentiment, Zev. But I don’t think either of you can help me with this,” Elissa said, the tension returning to her voice. “The problem isn’t you. It’s me. I like you both, very much. But you both deserve my whole heart, if I were to give it to you. I don’t want to make either of you feel like I’m ignoring you because you aren’t enough. I can’t do that to you.”

“I understand,” Alistair said. “You’re wonderful to care so much about us.”

“You make a good point,” Zevran said, but Elissa could almost feel the way he was about to be contrary. “But consider: you do not deserve to feel that you must give away your whole heart to someone. If a partner of yours demanded you give him your full attention and affection simply because you are his partner, then he would have to be very selfish.”

“What?” Elissa asked. “Asking to be loved isn’t selfish.”

“There is a difference between being loved and demanding that you spend all your attention on your partner than on your own life. You are an impressive woman, and you deserve to spend your life doing as you please, not catering to a single person, unless, of course, that it what you desire.”

Elissa had yet to find the words to refute Zevran’s argument- kind thought it may be- when Alistair spoke.

“You know, he has a point. It shouldn’t be your job to take care of someone all the time- even if you do love them. That’s not fair to you.”

“I’m glad you both want what’s best for me, but are we forgetting what started this conversation?” Elissa asked, a bit desperate. “This isn’t about what I deserve. It’s what you two deserve. And that’s _not_ to be yanked around by me, regardless of what you say about how romance ought to work!”

“And what we’re saying- I mean, what I think we’re saying,” Alistair shot an uncertain look in Zevran’s direction, “is that you aren’t yanking us around. I don’t think you could.”

“It is, of course, your decision, my dear. But please don’t make yourself miserable when there is such a simple solution.”

The looks on their faces, so caring and devoted, nearly overwhelmed her. The thought that she could have this- that she could have them both, and they didn’t mind, finished the job. She threw her hands in front of her eyes, even knowing that wouldn’t block out the situation.

“No! I don’t believe you. This isn’t real,” Elissa sobbed. She heard a yelp of alarm, and felt Alistair’s arms wrap around her, soon followed by Zevran’s hands guiding her down as her legs gave out.

“You cannot trick me,” she gasped. “This is only a dream.”

“‘Lissa?” She heard Alistair ask, her name slurred in the way he rushed to say it. “Why would this be a dream?”

“It’s too-” She couldn’t say it. She couldn’t bear to deny this desire- to have it disappear before her eyes and return her to reality.

“My Warden?” Zevran’s voice joined Alistair’s in concern.

“You can’t be real. I can’t believe this. It’s too- good. It can’t be real because I want it too much. I want _you_ too much,” she managed. It was torment to deny this, but it was also torment to believe it. At least if she woke, she could cry alone in her tent. At least she wouldn’t worry about turning into an abomination and killing her friends.

She waited for the hands to fall back, for the sickening unreality of the Fade to sink back in, for the soft sounds of the men she loved to become a twisted voice in her ear instead, but none of it happened.

“Is this about the Templar and the demon?” Alistair asked, revelation and concern in his voice.

Zevran must have looked confused, because Alistair explained.

“Remember, in the Circle Tower? The demon who ensnared a Templar into believing her his wife? Elissa had nightmares about it for weeks after,” Alistari said in a hush, though it didn’t hide it from her hearing much, given how close she was to him. Not him- not real- it couldn’t be-

“Oh. Oh my dear. This is real,” Zevran spoke, an intensity in his voice that she’d never heard before. “Do you remember how we got here?”

“What?” The question confused Elissa enough that she lifted her head, wondering what he was asking for. “We came from that little town, with the flower shop.”

“Yes. You liked the flower shop, didn’t you?”

“I did. There were many flowers in Highever, and my mother always kept them around. I haven’t seen so many anywhere else. Why are you asking me this?”

“Because if you remember how you got here, then it isn’t a dream.”

“Oh! Right! In dreams, you just start off somewhere. You don’t travel in a dream,” Alistair chimed it.

“You get right to the point. You don’t waste time,” Elissa whispered. “You’re right. This- this might be real.”

“It is. Elissa- it’s real. It’s okay if you don’t believe me right now. But it’s real.” Alistair almost seemed to be pleading with her, and for once, it didn’t worry her that someone was trying to convince her to accept that which was too good to be believed.

And when, the next morning, Elissa woke in a pile of limbs, caught between the two men she loved, she laughed so hard that she woke them up. She’d never slept in a dream before. She didn’t think that was even possible.

When Zevran asked her what she was laughing at, she kissed him deeply, before planting an equally passionate kiss to Alistair’s lips.

“This is real!” She exclaimed, still giggling a bit giddily.

“Oh, is that all?” Alistair grumped, but she could see the relief in his expression.

Elissa curled in between the two of them, and sighed happily, and let herself believe.


End file.
